No- - don't be shocked - I know I'm normally a pretty nice chap (allegedly) , and so this isn't a serious statement that I'd like to do somebody actual, physical harm.

Oh all right, yes it is.

MARK KERMODE, film critic and proponent of the same unbearably silly hairstyle for the last 15 years, COME ON IN AND GET YER WHUPPIN'!

I've just sat and watched a chunk of BBC's culture show. Generally, I find these sort of programs po-faced and irritating. But this one was pretty interesting. Not only did we get to see Steve Martin (yes, THAT Steve Martin!) playing banjo with his really quite superb bluegrass band, but we also got to hear a few words about the importance of certain animated films in the history of cinema.

Now that got my attention. So I watched it.

Dear lord. How abysmal was that section of the show?

Mister Kermode - I seriously hope (against all reasonable, rational hopes) that you may *just* see this block of text. Because I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you to SHUT DA HELL UP!!!!!!

Seriously man - you know nothing. You're the epitome of EVERYTHING I hate about media critics. You talk tall about movies we *should* see and love, and yet you bypass all the cool stuff and go for the easy, crowd-pleasing stuff EVERY TIME. You tell us nothing we can't find out or decide for ourselves!

I actually thought I might see some interesting commentary on animation and the form of the animated movie. The Culture Show, I reasoned, would be a great platform to expand the public's knowledge of the broader market for animated movies.

Maybe, I even thought to myself, they might just possibly show some of that crazy, inventive Japanese stuff I so dearly love. I mean, heck, Akira had to get a mention at least, right?

Wrong. Simon Mayo and Kermode-The-Frog (yes, name calling is silly - I don't care) wasted the whole slot banging' on about Disney's Sleeping Beauty, WALL-E and Aardman's Wallace And Grommit.

Not that I've got anything against those, I gotta say. Disney's Sleeping Beauty is a tour de force. WALL-E is STUNNING. Wallace and Grommit make me cackle like one of the sisters from Shakespeare.

But, guys, WE KNOW! This is boring stuff next to all the other, unutterably cool stuff that's out there! You spent a slot of your program - which is titled 'The CULTURE Show' wittering on about animated movies and shorts we've been force fed for years! If you wanted to go somewhere interesting with this, the LEAST you could'a done was show us some Akira! Or Some Ghost In The Shell. Or heck, even some of the stuff that's come from leftfield in recent years, like A Scanner Darkly. I mean, those are actual films, with stories. And goddammit, Akira still leaves me with a lump in my throat after all these years.

Mark Kermode wasted ten minutes of my life tonight pushing the novelty aspect of animated movies, when I'd expect somebody with his professed qualification to be talking about them as MOVIES. Way to miss the point, fella. You succeeded in showing us NOTHING new.

And yet, apparently Dougal And The Blue Cat is an unsung animated movie classic of our times? Oh, p*** off!

Honestly, this guy comes out with complete drivel. Get this:

Apparently Wallace And Grommit In The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit is worthy of our serious interest as movie fans because Aardamn Studios 'know how to light their animated movies properly - as movies'.

And yes they do. Aardman are very good indeed.

BUT SO ARE LOADS OF OTHER ANIMATION STUDIOS SPREAD OUT ACROSS THE WORLD, YOU IDIOT! GO AND WATCH THE APPLESEED MOVIES! OR VEXILLE! GO AND WRITE ME AN ESSAY ON THE LIGHTING IN AKIRA, AND THE USE OF PRIMARY TONES IN NIGHT-TIME SCENES! The look of those movies will blow Wallace And Grommit out of your self-important ass!

Mark Kermode. This is the best advice I can give you:

STOP.

TALKING!!!






(And possibly get a haircut.)